School is REALLY starting  in less than 3 days.  FUCK.

For the past six months since I finally received deliverance from national slavery, I have been so looking forward to school. Looking forward to a purpose thats not just about beer and gigs. Looking forward to intellectual stimulation. But now that dread and apprehension is so strong, probably only beer can drown it. I’m weak. I’m escapist.

Looking at the past six months, nothing spectacular. Had quite a few gigs, some good, some okay  and some bad. And actually thats about all. In fact, I feel sorta under-accomplished. Never made actual my plan for a hot bod with six packs. Had much more than six pints of beer. Never made actual my plan to learn meditation. Had much more than just procrastination. Never made actual any songs from the bunch of riffs, tunes and lyrics that came along the way. Had more than stealing grooves and tricks from other musicians. Never read any self-improvement books or those possibly beneficial for my next four years of study. Had more than senseless useless stuff from reading eight days and people’s blog.

But well there certainly were slightly good things as well. Discovered the ultimate acoustic band on Laborer’s Day. Got myself vocal training from lead singer of the ultimate acoustic band. Played guitar and piano and sang more than ever before, possibly to make up for the two years spent spoiling my voice shouting and swearing. Have a stronger than ever before interest and passion for music and new found ambitions to play professionally in the future. Finally rid my dependence on Microsoft by switching over to free software.

I think I’ve really forgotten how it is like to study. Or maybe I’m just trying to console myself using a really convenient excuse. I also don’t really know how interested I will be or am I being too full of myself thinking there’s nothing I cannot study and grasp. I also don’t know who my new friends will end up to be or how close I can remain with old ones. Suddenly all these issues come into perspective and it really is quite intimidating for a mind dulled and rusty from a near three years of inactivity.

No more unhealthy late nights. No more waking up at noon. No more procrastinating. More discipline. More effort. More focus.